Deer Camp



Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."

The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

Frozen Cows


A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.



The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.




Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.

The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.

Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.

One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.

She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.

"No" said the farmer "who is she?"





(Wait for it)





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(Wait for it)



















(Wait for it)















(Wait for it)















(Wait for it)















(Wait for it)









"That was Thora Hird."

Regards Doris

Doris, that one is a cracker.Thora Hird.
Syd

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey Can you believe this?!!!
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'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
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'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,'
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
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'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
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'I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix '
-- Dan Quayle
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'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?'
--Lee Iacocca
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'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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'Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
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'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did !!
Syd i got this sent of a friend i don't know if its been on the forum. Regards Doris

The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...





Ees




Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees





Eees a Ham Bush.

here is another daft joke. Regards Doris

nice one Doris, Here is a variation on it, one I heard Doddy come out with on the radio nearly 50 years ago.
Doddy was telling the audience about a bar he was in when he fancied a sandwich, so the barman asked, "What about a ham sdandwich?" Doddy said OK. The barman brought the sandwich, Doddy looked at it and said, "The Ham is a bit thin, I could read my newspaper through it". The barman said, do you think ham grows on trees?" quick as a flash Doddy replied, "Have you never heard of an ambush!"
Syd.

There were two guys working for the YORKSHIRE county council. One would dig a hole - he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole - fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the footpath and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again! "The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."...

I got this of another site i could not resist coping it Regards Doris

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a
$30,000 loan to take a holiday." Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and
asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick
Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Pattie explains that
he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says "Sure.
I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch
tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Pattie explains
that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into
a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit
Jagger
out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean,
what in the world is this?"


The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knick-knack, Pattie
Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." ((You have to sing the last bit))
Hahaha now that's funny!
Philip

Another one, and this one kills me. Hahahaha.

http://www.jokebanana.com/2008/02/only_in_australia.php

Phil where did you get them jokes from or is it the way yur tellum he he. Regards Doris

One for John.

Tesco murder

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a

young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large

insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then

arranging to have her killed

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side,

underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained

to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was

£5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he

wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
insurance money

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man

opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound

as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco

store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded

to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspecting

woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene.

Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice
but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police.


Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with
the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.


The next day in the newspaper,

The headline declared............
'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

Not tellin Doris.
Phil.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father may I ask a favor?' 'Of course my child. What may I do for you?' 'Well I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for Me? Under your robes perhaps?' The priest answered: 'I
would love to help you dear but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father do
you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is to date unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead Father.'
NEXT!

OH Roy tut tut where de-ah getum from he he. Regards Doris